hey. been awhile.
my birthday is tomorrow (really some amount of minutes after posting this). i'm turning 24. hell of a year 23 was. i know that's extremely trite, and it was certainly less hell than 22, but some hell nonetheless. i really don't know exactly what to say or where to start. i guess you just look up one day and you're an adult with bills and responsibilities and slowly, but surely, you have to do things for yourself. quite daunting. i mean, i'm even supposed to pick what i want to eat everyday. even when i'm not hungry, even when nothing sounds good, i have to eat. very much a first world problem, and still, i'd say that is a pretty apt allegory for life in general. you have to keep going and finding your way, even when it's tough, even when it's not interesting. what a bleak thing to realize right before your birthday! but not all hope is lost, i honestly have a lot to be grateful for. i'm grateful to have arrived at this realization. i'm grateful to have learned all i have about myself and the people around me and to continue to learn. i'm grateful to have realized what i want from my life won't always be the same, and it's freeing to know that i am a person who grows and learns and changes and i ought to treat myself as such. everyday i have to remind myself that.
i won't go on and list everything i've learned or i'm grateful for and what great and terrible happenings caused it, but i do want to mention one thing in particular i think has helped me. i'm certainly very early in my journey to find my voice when writing, but one thing has, without a doubt, helped. i started to keep a little journal in my pocket. it's there most days, either in my left chest pocket or one of my back pockets, depending on what i'm wearing and if it fits. i usually keep the button for whatever pocket it's in undone, so i'm not fiddling with undoing it when an idea comes to mind or i hear or see something interesting. i started it in september probably, it's currently about half full of ideas for photos/designs/clothing, quips from friends, things i saw while i was out, etc. originally i got it cause i really enjoy having the tactile experience of actually writing something down instead of typing it into my notes on my phone, but i found it really help keep me present and in the moment. when the journal is in my pocket i found i'm more curious, more observant, and a better listener. with it's presence, the journal demands i write in it, and to write in it, i must have something to say. what do i have to say, if i have nothing to talk about. i always thought the idea of "romanticizing your life" was a bit corny, but corny is sometimes just necessary. my life can be full of beautiful, interesting things worthy of remembering if i let it be, if i just choose to see it and experience it.
so, in turning 24, i'd like to continue to do that. i want to write more, and share art, and read. i want to eat good food, and wear nice clothes that i enjoy, and actually go places and meet people and see things with my eyes rather than living passively and through a screen. it's a work in progress. that's all!
hopefully not so long this time, thanks again. peace!
